


draw

by weasleysking



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Stucky - Freeform, soft, this was so much fun to write i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 05:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20384101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weasleysking/pseuds/weasleysking
Summary: “You know what we’ve never done?” Steve said to Bucky softly, as they lay there. Steve couldn’t see Bucky’s face in the shadows, but he felt him looking at him.“What?”“We’ve never… you know. Just. Talked. Lay here and talked. You know, the kind of thing people do when they first meet someone they love? How they just… lie there. And talk about everything. And there’s no judgement? And they ask anything they want?”“You’re right,” Bucky said quietly. “We… we kind of missed that window, huh?”“I guess,” Steve replied. They were quiet for a moment.“What’s stopping us from doing it now?” Bucky said after a short silence.or; steve and bucky have a lot to talk about when all immediate threats have finally been defeated.





	draw

**Author's Note:**

> *update: someone asked me why i wrote that steve left family behind, even though it’s cannon that his parents both died before TFA. obviously i knew that but i wrote this at like one am and the words were kinda flowing well so i just left it like that because i liked the way it came out. take it how you want :) xx

Steve and Bucky were in bed. It was dark outside, the lights were off, but it wasn’t late. It was a cold night, and the two lay tangled together, intertwined and talking softly. They lay there, in the dark, just breathing each other in. Feeling each other’s presence. Letting the lack of danger, comfort, the peace, wash over them. 

“You know what we’ve never done?” Steve said to Bucky softly, as they lay there. Steve couldn’t see Bucky’s face in the shadows, but he felt him looking at him.  
“What?”  
“We’ve never… you know. Just. Talked. Lay here and talked. You know, the kind of thing people do when they first meet someone they love? How they just… lie there. And talk about everything. And there’s no judgement? And they ask anything they want?”  
“You’re right,” Bucky said quietly. “We… we kind of missed that window, huh?”  
“I guess,” Steve replied. They were quiet for a moment.  
“What’s stopping us from doing it now?” Bucky said after a short silence.  
Steve smiled a little through the darkness. “Um. Nothing?”  
“Nothing,” Bucky said softly. “So. Do you wanna start?”  
“I- Okay.”  
Steve thought for a moment. “Draw.”  
“Okay.”  
Bucky began to trace patterns on Steve’s arm. This was something they’d been doing for many years. Sleepovers as kids, the night they spent together after he’d rescued Bucky from Zola’s lab, when Bucky had come to his senses and Steve and had brought him back from his brainwashing, and now, now more than ever. It had always calmed them both down. 

“When did you realise that what you felt for me was more than friendship?”  
Bucky froze for just a second, then continued to draw.  
“Diving into the deep end, huh?”  
“Sorry, you don’t have to-”  
“No, no, it’s okay, I want to.”  
They lay there silently for a minute before Bucky replied.  
“The night you rescued me from Zola’s lab.”  
“Yeah?”  
“You took me back to your private quarters. You didn’t want me to have to wait to be helped by the medics. You cleaned up my wounds, and we talked as you did. And you were taping up my stomach, and I looked up at you, and I realised. I wanted to kiss you. So bad. I… I had never wanted anything more. I just, I really saw you that night, you know?”  
He felt Steve nodding.  
“What about you?”  
Steve sighed. “Your sixteenth birthday.”  
“Jesus, that early?!”  
“Yeah. You were dancing with that girl. The one in the red dress. I think her name was Matilda.”  
“Yeah, it was.”  
“I just realised how bad I wanted to be in her place.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You don’t have to be!”  
“I don’t know. I spent so many years shoving girls in your face.”  
“I didn’t mind. I wanted you to be happy.”  
“Did you think that I liked you back?”  
Steve exhaled. “No. I spent years convincing myself you didn’t. The first time I thought you did was when… when you stopped hitting me, that day. When you told me I was your mission. I… just didn’t think you could look at me like that if I was a friend. The only time I had ever seen a look like that was when Peg looked at me, when Tony looked at Pep, when Bruce looked at Nat, when Clint looked at Laura. If you’d looked at me like that, then anything was possible.”  
“Steve…”  
“Shut up. Tell me when you realised.”  
“I… I don’t know.”  
Bucky felt Steve twist his neck in his direction. “You can’t remember?”  
“N- no. I was… Okay. well. I do remember. It was that day on the bridge. When we saw each other for the first time since the train, I guess. I say I can’t remember because… all I remember from that day is the way you said my name.”  
Steve sucked in a breath. “Bucky?”  
Bucky chuckled next to him. “Just like that.”  
“That’s not what I-”  
“Listen. When you say my name… friends don’t say a name like that, okay?”  
Steve grinned slowly. “I guess not.” 

“Can I ask?” Bucky said softly, not giving up tracing his fingers up and down Steve’s arms.  
“Course.”  
“Were you scared when you woke up in 2011?”  
Steve snorted. “Terrified.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Buck, I… when I remembered what had happened… honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to…” Steve trailed off.  
Bucky stopped drawing.  
“What?”  
Steve sucked in a breath. “I’d never wanted to die more. I was so scared Buck, I didn’t have a purpose, all I had was a future of loneliness ahead of me. One without you, or Peg. No war to win. No fight left in me.”  
Bucky returned to tracing. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.  
“I… I’m grateful SHIELD recruited me. No matter how much trouble the avengers caused me, they also gave me a family. While I was waiting for you.”  
Bucky nodded. 

Steve sighed. “What was… what was the worst day? The worst day for you?”  
“Ever?”  
“Ever.”  
Bucky thought for a moment. “I can’t answer that.”  
“Okay,” Steve said. “Why?”  
“There... there were too many.”  
“Buck…”  
“But every moment I thought I’d lost you, or said goodbye to you, or missed you, every time they were torturing me past breaking point and your image flashed in my mind… they’re up there.”  
“Bucky-” Steve’s voice shook.  
“There’s so much I can’t tell you about what they did to me,” Bucky whispered. “So much, Steve. Because I can’t remember much more than pain.” His voice broke, and Steve held him tightly.  
“Not now though,” Bucky whispered, for his own comfort and for Steve’s. “Not now. No pain,” he mumbled into Steve’s shoulder. “Not with you.”  
They were silent for a few minutes. “Keep talking,” Bucky whispered. “Ask something else.” 

“Okay,” Steve said, and they pulled apart slightly. He decided to roll over, and naturally, Bucky regained his tracing on Steve’s back. “Do you remember the day we met?”  
Bucky smiled. “Of course. We were seven, and you were… oh… jog my memory Steve, will you?” He said. Steve could hear the smirk in his voice.  
“I only brought that up because I wanted you to smile,” he grumbled. Bucky scoffed.  
“Oh please. Steve, please… where did I find you? Remind me?”  
To anyone who didn’t know Bucky, that was the voice of innocence, but to Steve, it was the voice of his evil partner.  
“Jerk,” he moaned. “I was behind the school, and I’d just been beat up by those older guys, because I told on them for cheating.”  
“And…” Bucky prompted, the grin in his voice prominent.  
“I was crying. You’re a jerk.”  
“Aaaaand…” Bucky sang, the glee in his voice quite a contrast to moments earlier when Steve was sure they’d gone too far in the darkness of their conversation.  
Steve groaned. “Will you ever stop making me repeat this?”  
“Never. Say it.”  
“I’d wet myself.”  
“Yes, you did!” Bucky laughed, wrapping his arms around Steve’s front and squeezing him tightly. “You sure did, pal!”  
Steve grumbled and push Bucky off him, rolling his eyes, but secretly was pleased they’d brought a little light into a conversation that was bound to be full of darkness.  
“And you gave me your jacket and you helped me up and you promised not to tell anyone and you walked me home, blah, blah,” Steve repeated fondly. “You really chose me that day, huh? Me over being friends with everyone else in the school?”  
“I’d rather have been friends with the best person I know than a whole group of slightly rich bullies.”  
They were quiet again. “Best person you know?”  
“Oh come on. That’s not even a question.” 

Steve couldn’t help but squeeze Bucky’s hand.  
“Well thanks.”  
“Okay…” Bucky said, the smirk still evident in his voice. “I got one for you Rogers.”  
“Here we go,” Steve muttered.  
“You and Peggy ever.. Y’know…”  
“...yknow…?”  
Steve could almost hear Bucky roll his eyes, and suddenly, they were sixteen year old boys again, lying on the floor of Steve’s bedroom, talking about girls late at night.  
“Did you two ever have sex?”  
Steve choked on air.  
“What?!” He spluttered.  
Bucky smothered a laugh into his pillow.  
“Come on, I had to ask!”  
“No! No we did not! We only kissed once Buck!”  
“Well that sucks.”  
“Oh come on,” Steve tried to reason with him. “It wasn’t...we… I mean… I guess I just… even if she was ready for that, I don’t think I would have been.”  
Bucky stopped laughing, and turned to listen. “Wait, really?”  
“Yeah, I dunno Buck, you know how I was with girls in general. I was just so… awkward. I was embarrassed. And it never felt quite right.”  
“But you felt right with Peggy,” Bucky said softly. “Didn’t you?”  
“Yeah, I did,” Steve said hesitantly. “But not, like, that kind of right.” The he laughed. “God Bucky, I feel so young. Talking about this.”  
“Me too,” Bucky snorted.  
“I just…” Steve trailed off. “I just wasn’t there.”  
“Have you…” Bucky cleared his throat. “Have you ever felt that kind of right with… with anyone?”  
Steve exhaled and frowned. “I’ve been attracted to people, yeah, but god Buck, think about it. When we were the age we when we could have started doing it, you were off with a different girl every night, and I was awkward as hell. Then we were in the goddamn war, then we weren’t even together, for God's sake. Not to mention now we’re like a hundred years old, and we spent most of our time prior to this in an incredibly, uh, hateful era…” Steve stopped as Bucky squeezed his arm and began to draw on it again.  
“You’re stalling,” Bucky said softly. Steve scoffed, but he didn’t correct him.  
“It’s not gonna happen with us, is it?”  
“Ha,” Steve replied weakly. “No. I think we missed our window, Buck.”  
“I know,” Bucky nodded. “And for some reason, I’m weirdly okay with that.”  
“Good,” Steve said. “Me too.”  
“At least we’re not dying virgins though, right?” Bucky said cheerily. Steve fell silent.  
“Oh my god,” Bucky said. “Wow. Okay. I have to say, I at least thought… I dunno… someone in the time I was gone…”  
“No,” Steve said. “Nope.”  
“Why?”  
“Come on.”  
“Okay. Okay. Not like… wow. Okay. not even like, Sharon…”  
“That was a mistake!” Steve said loudly. “That… that kiss was a mistake. I regret it.”  
“Okay,” Bucky said, reassuringly. “Calm down. It’s okay pal.”  
They lay there for a moment.  
“Wait a second,” Steve said suddenly. “Who’d you-”  
“Um,” Bucky said, suddenly awkward. “Remember, the last night, before I you know, left? We took those two girls out?”  
“You took those two girls out and I got awkwardly rejected.”  
“Yeah. The red head. That night.”  
“Ah.”  
They were quiet again.  
“Was it good?”  
“It was…” Bucky hesitated. “Yeah. It was good. But it wasn’t love.” 

The two lay there silently, Bucky still not giving up on his light drawings on Steve’s skin. Steve shivered suddenly.  
“Cold?” Bucky asked him, and in reply, Steve tucked himself in closer to Bucky, soaking up his warmth.  
“God I hate winter,” he said quietly.  
“Me too,” Bucky replied.  
“What’s your favourite season?”  
Bucky thought for a moment. “Spring.”  
“Yeah,” Steve replied. “Me too, actually.” 

“Hey,” said Bucky suddenly, “have you ever actually...like, come out to someone?”  
Steve hummed. “Kind of? Nat.”  
“Right. I just realised that maybe I haven’t ever.”  
“Me neither, not really.”  
“That’s kinda weird.”  
“I mean, it’s very us isn’t it? No label? A bit of confusion and acting on what feels right? Love?”  
Bucky exhaled. “Yes. very us. Do you reckon… do you reckon our moms knew?”  
“Ha!” Steve couldn’t help but exclaim. “God, I wonder.”  
“I reckon maybe they did,” Bucky replied. “They weren’t stupid. They never stopped gossiping about us. And they never had any sort of problem when something… something like that was brought up.”  
“I mean, you’re probably right.”  
“Do you ever miss them?”  
Steve rolled over so he was facing Bucky. Bucky didn’t stop and think, he just continued drawing on Steve’s chest.  
“My family?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I. Uh. Well. To be honest? I don’t think about them… a lot.”  
“No. Neither.”  
“Is that wrong?”  
“I don’t think it’s wrong,” Bucky replied softly. “Sad, maybe. But I don’t think… I mean… they’ve been gone for decades. And we.. after everything we’ve been through…” he trailed off.  
“I feel bad sometimes,” Steve admitted. “Really bad. Like I’d forgotten about them as soon as I left for the war. I never saw them again and I didn’t even stop to mourn them because I was so busy, so scared, when I woke up.”  
“I get it,” Bucky replied. “You know… you know my mom never wanted me to go in the first place. You know she always told me off for fighting. You know how she felt about it. And if she’d seen what I’d done now…”  
“Hey, hey,” Steve said. “That wasn’t you Buck.”  
“Yeah, I know,” Bucky mumbled. “I know. You tell me everyday.”  
“Only because for some reason, I need too.”  
“You don’t.”  
“I do. Clearly. Or you would have forgiven yourself by now.”  
“Oh, because you’re the master of forgiving yourself?” Bucky cried, suddenly sitting up, tense and loud.  
“Stop it,” Steve breathed, sitting up too. “Stop, okay?”  
“I don’t…” Bucky shook his head through the darkness. “I didn’t…”  
“It’s okay,” Steve said softly, gently touching Bucky’s face and laying back down with him. “It’s okay.” 

It was a while before they spoke again.  
“When you and Tony fought over the accords,” Bucky said. “Did you ever once think about… just leaving me? I caused so much trouble, I brought that into your life-”  
“Buck, you’ve been bringing trouble into my life since the day I met you.”  
“Seriously though. Did you?”  
“No.”  
“Not once?”  
“No. I was certainly upset that I broke what I had with Tony, but, but, look,” he said a little desperately, “look! We’re okay now. We sorted it out. We’re fine.”  
Steve felt Bucky nod beside him. “Yeah. I’m glad.”  
“Look,” Bucky said softly, rolling over and pointing at the framed photo of the two of them that had stood beside Steve’s bed since he’d been brought up from the ice. Bucky was pointing at where the moon, through a crack in the curtains was reflecting off it.  
“Beautiful.”  
The looked at it for a moment, Steve squeezing Bucky’s shoulders tightly. “That wasn’t the original frame you know. I broke the other one.”  
“Uhh, how?”  
Steve sighed. “I was upset. It was your, uh, your birthday, the first year after I’d been brought out of the ice.”  
“Ah.”  
“I woke up, and for a second I forgot. Just a second. And then I remembered, decided I couldn’t breathe, cried, stood up and threw it against the wall and cried some more.”  
“Steve…”  
Steve shrugged. “It hurt.”  
“I know,” Bucky whispered.  
“That was the day I told Nat.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah, she found me a mess over that. I didn’t want to leave my room so she brought me up food.”  
“So she’s the only person you’ve ever really… ‘come out’ too?”  
“Yeah, I guess so. The others all kind of… figured out, or guessed, or saw us. They didn’t really need to be told. But I was only really close with Nat at that point. And I didn’t know the others all that well, and they didn’t know me.”  
“What did you say to her?” Bucky asked softly.  
Steve hummed a little. “That I loved you.”  
Bucky’s heart jumped a little. “What’d she say?’  
“She hugged me, and told me she was sorry. And to ask her if I needed anything.”  
“That’s nice.”  
“It was.” 

“Do you…” Bucky started, then stopped.  
“Do I?”  
“Do you… do you ever wonder… what would have happened if I’d never fallen off the train and you’d survived the crash?”  
Steve bit his lip. “Yeah.”  
“Do you think you would have married Peggy?” Bucky’s voice shook a little.  
Steve hesitated. “Probably. But I’m sure… I’m sure, Buck… you would have found…”  
“Oh, shut up,” Bucky replied. “Of course I would have found someone. I just wonder if… if we would have gone through our whole lives still feeling for each other.”  
“Yeah, maybe we would have.”  
“Probably.”  
“Probably.” 

They lay there, pressed tightly together for a few minutes before either of them said anything again.  
“Do you remember the night after I rescued you from Zola’s,” Steve began softly, stroking Bucky’s hair gently, “And you asked me to stay with you that night?”  
“Yeah,” Bucky murmured. “And I wanted to kiss you.”  
Steve chuckled. “Yeah. that night. After you fell asleep, I had this… I had this idea in my head. It was of you and me, lying in bed just like we were then, just like we are now, except we looked a little different, because we were older.”  
“You were with Peggy then,” Bucky replied, smiling a little.  
“Well, technically, yes. And god, god, Bucky, I loved her so goddamn much. But in my mind, whether I knew it or not, you would always be there. Whether we were together as friends or more, you were there.”  
Bucky let out a little “hmmm” sound and pulled himself closer to Steve.  
“Sometimes I think about something like that,” Bucky said. “Except, in my version, we’re retired. We’re done. I think we still kinda look the same. We’re at peace. Our job is done. And we… we sleep. We just sleep. So peacefully.”  
“Mmm,” Steve hummed drowsily.  
“I think I have that now,” Bucky’s voice cut quietly through the darkness as his fingers continued to trace along Steve’s arm.  
“I think so,” Steve said.  
“I love you.”  
“Love you too, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!  
i'm on tumblr too, come cry with me over fiction! @miss-mysticfalls


End file.
